When Not In India.

     Today is day two of being home from Ecuador. Being home right now wasn't exactly part of the plan. I was supposed to be in India, however, the Indian Consulate refused to grant me a visa. Over the few weeks that I was in Ecuador and the Galapagos, I was asked time after time if a visa had come through for me. I would always reply with, "Not yet." People had many different things that they would tell me to try to make me feel better.

"You're going to India!"

"God wants you there!"

"Sometimes, God waits until the last minute."

"I can feel it in my gut that you are getting that visa!"

"Satan must not want you in India."

     For some reason, the entire time I was waiting for the visa, I felt like it wasn't going to happen. I didn't know or understand why, but I just kept trying to believe everyone who seemed so sure that I was going to get my visa. I would just ignore the fact that deep down I knew that I wasn't getting a visa. I made myself numb to how I felt about being rejected over and over. Because of that, none of it seemed real. It didn't become real until the second I stepped off of the bus at the Miami airport.

     In the time since I found out that I definitely was not getting a visa, people have started saying different things.

"Everything happens for a reason."

"Maybe God just needs you at home."

     I've been trying to be very mature about the whole thing, but the truth is, I REALLY wanted to go to India. I was so excited. I remember the day I first found out that I had been rejected. I cried for a really long time. I thought that God was calling me to India. For a while, I thought that it was Satan placing road block after road block, but if God wanted me in India, I would be in India right now. Satan does not win. So this leads me to the conclusion that God wants me home right now.

     I can't help but wonder why God brought me home early. There is no way I can know for sure until he reveals it to me, and that scares me so much. It's like going to a haunted house and knowing things are going to jump out and scare you, but you don't know what they are going to be or when they are going to come for you. I'm so afraid that God brought me home because something bad is going to happen, and I need to be here when it happens. I've been hoping and praying that that is not the case, but I can't help but be afraid.

     2 Timothy 1:7 says, "For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." I am trying to cling to this verse, because God did not create me to be afraid. He created me to be POWERFUL. He created me to make an impact on the world around me no matter where I'm at, and that is what I am going to strive to do even in fear.