I Can Do This.

I can do this. These four little words are something that I have to tell myself all the time. These past few months have been the best that I’ve had in a while (praise God), but dark days still make their way into my life. For two whole months, I didn’t need to fake anything. I was happy. Everything was okay. However, the Enemy doesn’t want us to have happiness or joy in our lives. The beginning of John 10:10 says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy,” He sees when I am finding my joy in Christ and he begins to whisper lies in my ear. He makes it hard for me to even get out of bed in the morning because of anxiety or sadness. He tries his hardest to steal my joy, and sometimes I let him. Sometimes I stay in bed so that I don’t have to face the world. Sometimes I hide in my room so that I don’t have to share my sadness with anyone. When I do these things, the enemy is breaking me down, and it is when I get into this place that I start to believe his lies.

You’re not good enough.

                        You will never be worth anything.

                                                            No one will ever love you.

            There is something wrong with you.

You can’t do this.

These lies warp my view of who I really am. However, my God brings clarity to my dark places, and he can show me who I am in him. The things that I don’t think I can do, he can. On those days when I don’t think I can get out of bed, I repeat to myself that I can do this. Not because I know I can, but because I need to know that with God I can. Sometimes I have to force myself to believe it. When I feel like retreating into isolation and the devil turns up the volume, I try to drown out his lies with those words on repeat. I can do this.

The end of John 10:10 says, “I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” Even though the enemy is after us, Jesus came to bring us LIFE. Not just a mediocre life, but an ABUNDANT life. On my own, I can’t live the abundant life that God wants me to have. On my own, I fall for the lies and the temptations of the world. With God, I can live a life full of his promises. Life is still going to be difficult sometimes, but with God I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

Faking It.

It’s been over a year since I last posted. In that time I started college, had my first job, learned new things, made new friends, grew as a person, and somehow managed to fall apart. All of these sound good, except for that last one. I got pretty good at pretending that I was not falling apart.

I put on a mask everyday that had the words, I’m fine, written across the forehead. For a while I was a pro at wearing the mask. I was a pro at being fake. I would fill my schedule to the top so that I didn’t have to remember that I was wearing the mask. I would get so busy that I started to believe that the fake version of me was the real version of me. However, the second I had nothing to do, everything that was behind the mask came rushing back and I knew I wasn’t fine.

Little by little, the mask became heavier. It weighed me down, and pretending to be fine was a gigantic task, but I did it anyways. It was exhausting. Soon, even keeping myself busy didn’t protect me from my own brokenness. The pain that I was feeling crept into my everyday life, but I still clung to the mask. The mask was all I had. I wanted to be fine. I NEEDED to be fine. And as much as I tried, something inside of me continued to break.

I thought that if I pretended to be okay, everything would be okay. I went through everyday thinking that if I pretended to be happy I would actually be happy. It didn’t work. How could it? Nothing was being fixed. It was like putting on a Band-Aid when your leg has been cut off.

For a long time, I have felt like I was supposed to have it all together. I am the daughter of the Music Minister and the Church Secretary. I was my High School Valedictorian. I am majoring in Religion. I’m doing all the “right things,” so why do I feel like nothing I ever do is good enough? Why am I sad all of the time? Why do I feel so far away from God when I live in a place where everything revolves around him?

Last week, I was sitting in Chapel, trying to keep my mask on, but I couldn’t hold it up any longer. All I wanted was to hide so that no one could see what was behind the mask. I texted my friend, Nycole, and she encouraged me by saying this:

“I understand that completely. It's tiring. You don't have to be fake. You can let yourself just be sad. It's okay to be sad or broken. That doesn't mean there isn't joy.”

I am blessed enough to have friends who understand exactly what I am going through. They can tell when, “I’m fine,” really means, “I’m sad and I need you to love me because I’m having a really hard time loving myself right now.” They encourage me, and point me to the one who heals brokenness and hurt.

So this is me. This is me dropping my mask. This is me acknowledging that it’s okay to not be okay. This is me realizing that I don’t have it all together, nor do I need to have it all together. This is me letting go of all the false securities that I was clinging to so tightly. This is me letting Jesus in to heal my brokenness. This is me beginning my journey to rediscover my joy. 

Lord, I cast every care on you. I’m broken, and I know that the only thing that can mend me is you. Please help me to cling to you in the good times as well as the bad. Please use this stage in my life for your glory. I’m a wreck, but I know that you can hold me together. Please shower me in your peace and never let me go.

Love,

Your Mess of a Daughter

When Not In India.

     Today is day two of being home from Ecuador. Being home right now wasn't exactly part of the plan. I was supposed to be in India, however, the Indian Consulate refused to grant me a visa. Over the few weeks that I was in Ecuador and the Galapagos, I was asked time after time if a visa had come through for me. I would always reply with, "Not yet." People had many different things that they would tell me to try to make me feel better.

"You're going to India!"

"God wants you there!"

"Sometimes, God waits until the last minute."

"I can feel it in my gut that you are getting that visa!"

"Satan must not want you in India."

     For some reason, the entire time I was waiting for the visa, I felt like it wasn't going to happen. I didn't know or understand why, but I just kept trying to believe everyone who seemed so sure that I was going to get my visa. I would just ignore the fact that deep down I knew that I wasn't getting a visa. I made myself numb to how I felt about being rejected over and over. Because of that, none of it seemed real. It didn't become real until the second I stepped off of the bus at the Miami airport.

     In the time since I found out that I definitely was not getting a visa, people have started saying different things.

"Everything happens for a reason."

"Maybe God just needs you at home."

     I've been trying to be very mature about the whole thing, but the truth is, I REALLY wanted to go to India. I was so excited. I remember the day I first found out that I had been rejected. I cried for a really long time. I thought that God was calling me to India. For a while, I thought that it was Satan placing road block after road block, but if God wanted me in India, I would be in India right now. Satan does not win. So this leads me to the conclusion that God wants me home right now.

     I can't help but wonder why God brought me home early. There is no way I can know for sure until he reveals it to me, and that scares me so much. It's like going to a haunted house and knowing things are going to jump out and scare you, but you don't know what they are going to be or when they are going to come for you. I'm so afraid that God brought me home because something bad is going to happen, and I need to be here when it happens. I've been hoping and praying that that is not the case, but I can't help but be afraid.

     2 Timothy 1:7 says, "For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." I am trying to cling to this verse, because God did not create me to be afraid. He created me to be POWERFUL. He created me to make an impact on the world around me no matter where I'm at, and that is what I am going to strive to do even in fear.

Nostalgia.

nos·tal·gia

A sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with 

happy personal associations.

    There are some days when I miss my Costa Rica team more than others. Today is one of those days. I miss how we could laugh together about most anything. I miss our "Team One Chant" chant and our synchronized swimming. I miss how we were always there for one another. I miss how simple life was when we were together. I miss all the different personalities that made up our team. 

    The word nostalgia comes from the Greek. It has two parts. Nostos meaning "return home" and algos meaning "pain". When translated into German, the word means "Homesickness". So in short, I miss my FAMILY. 

    In two short weeks, this group of strangers became my family. They showed me love and kindness, and they continue to inspire me even when we are apart. When we were together, for the first time in a while, I didn't feel like my world was going to fall apart. They gave me hope. 

    God knew exactly what he was doing when he knit our team together. He knew that this team was one that would lift each other up and help each other grow. He knew that this team was exactly what I needed. God used these people to help me realize that I am deeply loved. He used them to show me that I am not alone, and that I have value. 

    I love our dysfunctional  awkward, crazy family, and I wouldn't trade them for the world. I love each and every one of them with all of my heart. Every single one of these people are crazy beautiful, and I am so grateful that God placed them in my life. 

Shelby, Tori, Brenda, Steve, Kristen, Kelly, Ben, Papa Rich, Chris,
Zach, Brooke, Amber, Becca, Grace, Rachel, Josiah,
Caitlyn, Chelsea, Margi, Liz, Me, Gracie, Linnea, Jordyn, Lizzie, Jaelyn,
Janet, Brady, Makayla, Josh, Jordan, Ben, Kali, Caleigh, and Emily. 

 

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 

Romans 12:10

I Survived.

     I survived the first week of school. I survived the tears, stress, anger, exhaustion, and work that came with it. I thought that my senior year was going to be easy! I thought wrong. I seriously am about to have a nervous breakdown. My eye has been twitching nonstop for about a week. On the bright side, I didn't die. 
    I have a feeling that this year is going to be different. In the past, my high school experience has been pretty awful. Things happened that would push me down to a place where I hated being, but I couldn't come out of it. I felt stuck. No one was there to help me out of the hole I had fallen in. I was alone, and it was dark. 
    This year, I am leaving the past in the past. I can see a light. There's no more, "doing it on my own." I know that I am loved. I know that I am needed. I know that I am important. It is so hard being in a place where you have no clue what to do. However, sometimes God puts you in places like that to help you realize what he is trying to tell you. He sometimes has to go to huge measures to show you what he wants for you. We just need to start paying attention even when things seem hopeless. God has shown me so many things in the past year. He has constantly showed me things that I need to change in my life in order to be closer to him. Sometimes it hurts when he shows me things, but I've survived. 
    The hole I was in is starting to get smaller. The dark is becoming light. It is getting easier to climb out of the hole I've been in, because now I can see a hand reaching down to me to help. God has been placing so many different people in my life that care about me and love me. He is also bringing back people who loved me before, but I just couldn't see it because of the darkness in my hole. "I can't get out" is no longer an excuse. I refuse to retreat back into myself and hide. I've been hiding for way too long. I don't want to "Just get by." I want to live life fully. I want to love outrageously. I want to do what God made me to do, and he didn't make me to hide. 
    I survived. I've survived the pain, the sadness, the hurt, the dark, and everything in between. And each day that I survive is a reason to be joyful. I am going to keep learning, because God is still showing me how things should be. He is showing me how to live, and helping me to survive. 

Live BIG. Live LOVE. Live REAL. Live LIFE.

Being the Soldier.

    In Costa Rica and in Panama, we did a drama called, “Spellbound”. “Spellbound” puts the story of the Gospel into terms that everyone can understand. It starts out with a toymaker and his son who created two toys. These toys were persuaded by the Evil Magician to eat from a tree that The Toymaker and his Son told them not too. This created a barrier of sin between the toys and The Toymaker. The Toymaker continued to make toys, but they were still separated from the Toymaker. The toys were all tempted by the Evil Magician, because of the separation. This created chaos. A group of cats came and beat up the toys leaving them broken and sad. The Toymaker then decided to send his son beyond the barrier to help the toys. The Son was then born to a toy, the Spanish Dancer, and grew up to fulfill his father’s plan. He went to the toys, and fixed the ones that were broken. Soon after he was betrayed by one of the toys, and the cats came and nailed him to a cross. The son died, but to the Evil Magician’s dismay, came back to life. Some of the toys accepted him and moved beyond the barrier to be with the Toymaker, but others rejected the Son and didn’t get to be with the Toymaker.

    This year, I had the privilege of playing the part of the Soldier. I absolutely loved it. There were certain attributes of the Soldier that I want to apply to my life. The soldier was a toy just like the others, but the soldier stood out.

    The Soldier was BRAVE. When the cats came in wreaking havoc, the Soldier stood up to them. The Soldier tried to fight against the darkness. He ended up getting his leg broken in the process, but he still fought.

    The Soldier BELIEVED. When the Toymaker’s son came to the toys, he began to fix the brokenness in the toys. The Soldier had faith that he could be fixed by the Toymaker's son. He believed that the Toymaker's son was the real thing. 

    The Soldier was COMPASSIONATE. When the Toymaker's son died, the Spanish Dancer was heartbroken. The Soldier saw that she had a need and comforted her. The soldier didn't just leave her there to cry, he had compassion on her. He helped her. He showed the love that we should all show to others.

    The Soldier ACCEPTED. When the Toymaker's son came to the Soldier, the Soldier accepted him. He didn't reject him. He knew that the Toymaker's son was somebody special. He knew that he was who he said he was. The Soldier knew that he couldn't do it on his own. He needed the one who made him. 

    This is the Gospel. We were in sin, and God sent his son to save us. We need to BELIEVE, and we need to ACCEPT him. Once we do that we can answer his call. To love his children with his love. We need to be COMPASSIONATE and BRAVE. We need to fight against the darkness no matter what the cost. I have scars from being the Soldier in the drama, but that didn't stop me from being the soldier. Life leaves us with scars. Life beats us down and tries to break us. We can't let that stop us from living fully for Christ. We can't let the bumps and bruises stop us in our tracks. We need to continue to live big, live love, live real, and live life. 

BE THE SOLDIER.

Pros.

    I've been home for a few days now, but it seems like it's been forever since my trip. Most people who know me know that if I were given the choice between being out on the mission field and being here at home I would always pick the field. So, in an effort to better my attitude, I've made a Pros and Cons list of being home, except without the Cons.

1. The water pressure in my shower is fantastic.
2. I get to see my friends.
3. I can listen to Pandora because it is available in America. 
4. I have unlimited access to a washing machine.
5. I can sleep late. (Sometimes…)
6. I don't need wifi to use my phone. 
7. I don't have to worry about whether or not water is purified, because it always is. 
8. I don't have to worry about flushing toilet paper. 
9. My pets are here.
10. My musical instruments are here.
11. If I get sick I can go to the doctor.
12. I can drive here. 
13. Everything is in English.
14. ChikFilA.
15. Every bathroom I go to will have access to toilet paper.
16. I can sing in the shower.
17. There are options for breakfast that aren't eggs.
18. I smell better now that I've been home for a while.
19. I sleep alone in my own bed.
20. My clothes don't smell like old suitcase.

    Being home isn't the easiest thing for me, because I'd rather be reaching out to the nations. However, there are people right here at home who need to be reached out to. My home is my mission field right now, and I need to let God use me. Sometimes God chooses to bring us to other countries to be his hands and feet, but sometimes he needs us to stay right where we are so that we can do his will. God's plan is perfect, and all we need to do is trust it. God knows exactly what he's doing. He knows what we need, and what others need. He knows what is going to help us grow. Even if it is staying still and following him no matter what. I will follow my savior to the ends of the earth, but sometimes I just need to follow him home.